I’ve been trying to think of a way to start this entry off but I’m really having trouble.

My grandmother has been really sick since around the beginning of summer. She’s in her late 80’s, so I guess most would be expecting an end for someone of that age at any time. There have been times when I found myself even saying things like “Well she is getting older..” but I guess deep down we’re really not as prepared for the death of a loved one as we think we are.

If you read the entry titled “In my thoughts”, you’ll know that my grandmother’s kidneys are shutting down. My mom phoned me tonight and said she’s gotten much worse in the last 24 hours. They took her off of all of her medications and she is now only being given OxyContin. This move is merely to keep my grandmother as comfortable and in as little pain as possible. The home healthcare nurse told my mother this evening that my grandmother’s liver is now also starting to shut down. They’ve given her a few days but even that isn’t promised. My youngest sister Nikki was told that if she wanted to see my grandmother before she passed, that she and the boys needed to see her tonight because it’s coming fast.

I guess I took for granted that my grandmother would be there when we came back for a visit. I guess I wanted to believe that she wasn’t as bad off as they kept telling me she was. I honestly didn’t believe I would be saying goodbye to another grandmother, my last, over three thousand miles away. I’m trying so hard to put on a smile, knowing my grandmother has lived a wonderful life. She has but that doesn’t take away the sadness I feel in my heart and the regrets I feel will follow me for leaving her behind as I did my grandmother B. It wasn’t out of selfishness and I know they both knew that when I left both times.

As I type this entry, my grandmother is resting (hopefully comfortably) in her bed.. and is dying. I wish I could be with my mother now more than ever because though she shines as a strong woman on the outside, I know she is falling apart inside.

I’m sitting here thinking of all of the wonderful memories I have of my grandmother and all of the things about her that I will miss. There was nothing like summer at my grandmother’s place, even if she did put us to work with things like: shucking corn, splitting peas, raking leaves and doing various chores on her farm and around her house. I will miss her silly stories that she used to tell us when we were kids, especially about “Bloody Willy” who supposedly haunted the well on her farm. As I’m sure you could guess, that was to keep all of us kids from messing around the well. I’m also going to miss her delicious chicken and dumplings and ho cakes (you’ll have to research that one yourself), that she made like no one else can or ever could. I’m going to miss her scent, her curly white hair, her joyful laugh and the way she showed unconditional love (some of you may understand what I mean by that, while others may not). We had some wonderful times with my grandmother, so there are a lot of very fond memories that will help her live on through us all.

I’m hoping by some miracle of a chance that she makes it through the night and even though she may not know it’s me when I phone in the morning.. I hope she hears me when I tell her how much I love her.