I’ve been having a lot of dreams about my grandmother Mac these last few nights. I guess it’s because of everything that happened last week, with Jo’s grandpa passing away.

I had one dream, the first dream, on Saturday that was more or less just seeing my grandmother. We didn’t speak, we didn’t move.. we just “were.” I woke up calm, yet I just felt this heavy sadness at the same time. Very weird.

Then this past Sunday, the day of Jo’s grandpa’s funeral, I had another dream. I was visiting the cemetery that my grandmother Mac is buried at, but it didn’t look anything like it really does. It was dark and cold, and the branches from all of the trees had cast a huge canopy over the entire cemetery grounds. I found myself wandering around the cemetery looking for her headstone. For whatever reason, throughout the entire dream, I simply could not locate it. The weird thing is that when I entered the cemetery, I knew where I was going. I knew where she was buried, and went straight in that direction. I found the headstones of other relatives, including; my uncle J’s, my great grandparents and my grandpa C’s. I just couldn’t find hers. Needless to say, I woke up very upset and depressed. I haven’t really gotten over that dream.

I know nothing about dream interpretation, but I feel like the last dream symbolizes that I never got to say that “final goodbye.” The goodbye that’s suppose to help us move on and help our heart’s heal from the loss of someone we love.

This last week has sent my emotions on quite the roller coaster ride, which I guess is expected when someone dies. There were times I found myself very angry about things, which really upsets me. See, I was unable to attend either of my grandmother’s funerals. The first was due to travel scheduling and this last time was because of flights only going out once a week, and money of course. I wanted to be there for Jo and his family, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to at all. I just felt so sad that I was doing all of this stuff (the visitations and the funeral) and couldn’t do it for my grandmothers. Jo asked me one afternoon what was bothering me and I told him that I was upset that I couldn’t be there for my family when they needed me. It felt very unfair (yeah, I know.. life’s unfair, right?). He completely understood. I think another part of it was reality hit me when we were at the cemetery at the graveside memorial for his grandpa - the next time I say anything to my grandmother, I’ll be saying it to her grave. No more kisses, no more embraces. Just a marble headstone. It’s not that I haven’t accepted my grandma Mac’s passing. It just took going through the motions of the loss, the tribute and the burial that made it really sink in.

This wasn’t my happiest post, I know. I’m sorry. I just haven’t been myself these last few days. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy so I don’t have the time to “think.” It’s worked up until now.

If anyone has wondered why I haven’t been around.. now you know. It’s just not been a great last week or so. And I wish I knew where my medical id bracelet was.