This is not up for discussion, and under no circumstances will I feel guilty about writing this or about the way this makes me feel. That being said, the intent of this entry is also not for the purpose of making anyone (friends back home, online friends, my family or my in laws.. since I know most of you are reading this with big question marks above your heads) that thinks this is about them feel guilty.

Sometimes I feel forgettable. Like it wouldn’t matter either way if I existed or not to some people. People, somewhat generally. I’m sure I’m not the only one that’s ever felt this way, I’m positive of that actually. It just really sucks.

I feel so… trapped here. Maybe trapped isn’t the right word, but I think you’ll understand what I mean. I’m unable to drive anywhere. No, that’s a lie. I can drive anywhere I’d like, I’m just terrified of driving on unfamiliar roads, especially in the Winter. I’m able to socialize with people in my immediate surroundings and while that’s not always so bad, it’s nice to have people I can turn to outside of this tiny box I live in. I completely understand why Jo was so reluctant about moving here - it offers very little to most people.

I don’t know. I just wish I had a really good friend here. Someone I could talk to face to face once in awhile. I’ve always had that until we moved here. I might have been a few hours away, but there was always a way to make it happen if we wanted to hang out.

There are days that I wish certain things had never changed. Unfortunately life is all about changes.

Pitty party of 1? Ha! I’m going to bed.

Sometimes I try to convince myself that I’d be happy with or without children in my future. The truth is that I feel like being a mother is something I was destined to be and that being unable to conceive on my own is merely some higher power testing me. I’ve always had that instinct, that motherly instinct. Helping to raise my youngest 3 nephews only intensified those feelings.

Motherhood is something that’s always on my mind. It doesn’t even stop when I go to sleep at night, I still dream about it.